Lotus Sketches

Lotus Sketches :) Got in the mood to do a painting. Thought I'd start with a few sketches. I'm thinking of maybe doing another Ganesha painting, or maybe just lotus.

Maybe I have surplus of paper & canvas

It's a very big possibility that I have more drawing/painting surfaces than I know what to do with... It's amazing what happens when u get caught up in sales @ art supply stores over the months & have artist block!

Very Proud :)

I feel so proud of myself today. I completed my first project in MONTHS! My BFF Dayna asked me to help her make a shirt for her anniversary with her boyfriend. I ended up volunteering to design it after not being able find anything she really liked, and after doing some calculations determining buying a 3 pack of printable iron on transfers was cheaper than buying the individual letters. She told me what she wanted and I came up with this:


She loved it :) Which makes me happy. What makes me even happier is knowing that I created something that puts the finishing touch to her anniversary. This is the first shirt design I've ever done, and it helped to remind me why I love graphic design so much. I loved the search for the perfect font, and figuring out how to manipulate the vectors in photoshop to create an image that I knew my friend would love.

My friend suggested I make some designs to sell, or sell custom shirts for people. It's really not a bad idea. I know it should of occurred to me sooner, but I'm pretty hardheaded and often question my abilities. Even while my friend gushed over how much she loved the shirt and how awesome it was, a part of me felt I didn't deserve the compliments. I know it's crazy to think that. I know I have at least SOME talent, if I didn't then I wouldn't have continued to persue a career in the arts. I guess this is why I'm trying to work on my self-esteem.

Like Lao Tsu once said "A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." I leave with that amazingly inspirational quote, and continue on my journey towards getting my life on track :)

-Jenn

Sketch Session - 07.15.09

I managed to get myself to doodle & draw for about 20 minutes. This is the outcome. Charcoal in my sketchbook.

Introspection: Procrastination & Intimidation

I'm becoming more and more aware of the fact that I have lost more and more control over how my days go. As dramatic as it sounds, it's really not. It's more of a slow decline towards extreme procrastination. I sometimes wonder where the last 6 months of my life have gone, and what exactly do I have to show for it? It's hard not to beat myself up about it, but the truth is there really isn't much of an excuse. I have this harsh critic in my head saying that I could have already had a rockin' portfolio for New World with all the extra time I've had since losing my job. While that may be true [I can't even deny that 6 months is a LONG time], I can't change the past.

I've started reading a few self-help books, and as cheesy as it sounds they have helped a little. When I first searched for them on the library database, a part of me felt - in high school terms - like a total loser. I felt like I must of really hit rock bottom if I'm resorting to the words of some stranger in a book to help piece together what I feel is the mess of my life. I've come to realize a lot of things about myself through reading those books. One of the biggest realizations is that I am WAY too hard on myself, and a bit of a perfectionist. That perfectionism is what seems to be holding me back. It's what has me thinking to myself, "If I can't do this perfectly why should I even try?" I know it my sound crazy to some people, but I'm sure someone out there has felt this way on a daily basis. As insane as it sounds, perfectionism has actually led me to be lazy & procrastinate.

Part of me feels that I'd be wasting my time if I fail at what I set out to do. In other words, I self sabotage myself into failure. I stunt my potential to achieve my dreams and goals. I stunt myself from even having goals. Realizing this hasn't been easy. I've seen what I'm capable of when I don't overthink the outcome of what I set up to do. When I just go for it without worrying whether or not I'm going to fail. Unfortunately, it's become harder and harder to do this.

I originally wanted this blog to be this awesome place to post drawings and my progress as an artist. I wanted it to be a place to practice my graphic and web design skills. I had such high expectations. I eventually became overwelmed by the granduer I had built up the blog to be in my head. Especially after seeing how many insanely driven, talented people there are out there that seem to have everything together and able to accomplish so much seemingly effortlessly. It's probally unrealistic to think this, buut it's what runs through my brain sometimes. I get intimidated. I start to wonder if I'm good enough or talented enough to even be part of the art community. Sometimes when I look at some of my work that is actually pretty good [amazing to others] I can't believe it's mine. It feels as if someone else created it.

In a way - and I'm not saying this in a pscyso kind of way - someone else did. That someone is the uninhibited, confident, driven Jenn. The Jenn that is carefree and in tune with the moment, not the worrysome Jenn that is more in tune with the possible judgement of others. The Jenn that listen feeds off possitive feedback, and takes negative with a grain of salt. I know she's in me somewhere, burried under all the negative self & external talk.

There is a lot I want to do in life. There is a lot I would like to accomplish within myself aswell. I realize that it's not easy, and that - unfortunately - it's not going to happen over night or like magic. As hard as I try to ward off the desire for instant gratification, I am a product of my environment, and my generation feeds off it.

I'm not sure how many people - if any - read what I write, but it doesn't really matter. As I've said before it feels good to just get the thoughts out. I know I could of easily written this in a journal, or even typed it in a word document and saved it for myself, but there is something oddly cathartic about putting it out for the world to see.

This blog can still be what I originally wanted it to be, but it will take time. Time I need to allow myself to build. Even if it's at snail speed. I guess that's the point of all this rambling. So here is to a long journey!

-Jenn

Wow! Has It Really Been That Long?!

I can't believe that it has really been so long since I've blogged about anything. Not much has happened. Monday I went to the Bakehouse to pick up my pieces. I nearly melted in my stepfather's car. I was so happy to see my Ganesha mixed media piece again! -->

For the 4rth of July, I went to Homestead Bayfront Park then the pool @ Larry & Penny Thompson Park with my boyfriend's sister. I had so much fun. It was nice to spend sometime bonding with my honey's sister. We played the new Monopoly Deal card game. OMG! That game is soo much fun! :)

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Mostly non-fiction. Self-Improvement, Mythology, Art, & even Theology. I figure since I'm not going to school right now, nor am I working I might as well stimulate my brain somehow. I've been trying to work on myself too. I know that I'm not any of the negative things I've been thinking about myself, and I need to remind myself of that.

On another note, I know that I want to continue with Graphic Design. I'd also like to minor in Art History, but I don't know if I'll be able to do that. I guess we'll see. I've decided to make it my goal to get into New World School of the Arts. I did a degree audit & found out that I'm only 7 credits away from graduation! Yay! I'm only really missing my math classes, because, well I hate math. So hopefully I'll be graduating in the Spring :) I'm so excited! In light of that news, I really need to get my booty in gear!

I know that I keep saying I'm going to keep up with my blog, but this time I mean it! Lol. First on my list is to revamp the layout, even just alittle. I need to get reacquainted with photoshop.

That's all for now!

-Jenn

Bakehouse Exhibit!

So, I'm really nervous about tomorrow night - It's the opening for the Bakehouse exhibition of my work with some of my friends from school. I'm excited about going and seeing my work in a gallery other than in a mall or school gallery, it's a new experience that I didn't think would happen for a long time. I guess it pays to volunteer for stuff.. Lol What makes me sad is that Carlos, my boyfriend, is not going to be able to share the experience with me. His manager never changed his schedule even tho he told him 2 weeks in advance... On top of that most of the people I invited to go can't go, not even my best friend. Murphy's law has a choke hold on my life!!

In more positive news, I've finished reading "Finding Your Visual Voice" while sitting with my grandmother yesterday. I'm going to start doing the suggested exercises and quite possibibly post what I do here. I need to get to work on waking up my creative side again. Plus, the whole purpose of this blog is to explore art and creativity. :)